I have issues talking out loud, issues trying to get outside of my own head. I have the tendency to forget that everything that is going on around me is real, because a lot of times it doesn't feel real. I have this terrible fear that one day I am going to realize that I and everyone else is just a figment of my imagination, but that may be partially due to the fact that I watched The Matrix 100 times when it came out, or something ridiculous like that. What would be worse would be finding out that I took the wrong pill and decided not to wake up. But that's not so much the point and an entirely different discussion, that maybe I will one day be gutsy enough to actually talk to someone about, sans the voices in my head, which are an issue that I don't even want to touch because I have learned to live with it and it doesn't bother me anymore, for the most part.
My main motivation when talking to people is to get inside their head. I want to run around and figure out how people work, what makes them tick. This is one of the reasons why I don't say shit; I'm a listener. I have to be, because unless someone is willing to take a fucking sledgehammer to my psyche and drill me until I come up with halfway decent answers that I probably rehearsed in my head 100 times before, I'm not that interesting. I'm very bad about coming up with things on the spot, even though that's normally the only thing that works.
I don't mean to give off that I am ignoring people, because I'm not. I'm trying to come up with someway to fix the problem, to make it less awkward, and generally make it worse. I'm the anti-virus software that deletes the .dll files to make a trojan go away. And once I've figured it out, it's a punch line that's too late. And I do this every single time. And I know I do this when I'm doing it, but I haven't found a halfway decent solution to stop doing this. But, at the very least, you need to know that's what's going on. Admittedly, the world would be significantly easier of people could just read each others' minds because none of this would have to be said out loud or published on the internet on some shitty blog that, fortunately, only 3, maybe 4, people will ever get through the first paragraph of.
I can't say shit out loud because akgdfsg happens and I start to shake violently because the adrenaline rushes through me too fast, which is why anything of importance is said last minute in the hopes that I won't have to explain futher. [akgdfsg refers to the fact that is an idea and I don't know how to put it in words now]
I need to say more, and this needs to be longer but I am starting to feel retarded again and before it gets bad enough that I just delete everything I need to stop..
There is one last bit though. The biggest issue when assessing the problem involves the fact that I don't know if I need to pry and push and work into the cerebral cortex or just fuck off and leave you the hell alone. And neither one bothers me, it's just not knowing that freaks me out. I am terrible with suspense. I need to know.